Here is a quick list of eighteen things not to say to a cop and the responses you should expect.
“Well, I know the Chief of Police” Really, well you two can discuss this ticket when you hang out next.
“I pay your salary” Funny, I say the same thing to the cops where I live; guess we’re even.
“You guys should go fight real crime” Oh good idea sir/ma’am! Could you point me to the address? I’ll let the other cars know too. I’m assuming you were going to call us and let us know where it was before I stopped you so this turned out to be perfect timing!
“These aren’t my pants” “That’s not my baggie” “I didn’t know that was there” Right, and these aren’t my handcuffs either. *click click*
“You’re never there when I need you” I was too busy trying to reach my quota.
“I know my rights” I now know there is a 98.7% chance you do not.
“You wouldn’t be so tough without that badge and gun” And you wouldn’t be so irritating if you exercised your right to remain silent.
“Take these cuffs off and we’ll see who is tough” Remember that one time you didn’t have cuffs on and I put them on you and brought you to jail?
Tells their children “They’re here to arrest/get you!” Good job mom or dad, way to try to make a future customer for me rather than a future partner. Just great.
“Don’t you know who I am?” Hold on, let me reach into my bag of “give a craps.” Nope, none left.
“My [insert name of relative] is a lawyer!” Well if he’s a good lawyer, he’ll have enough money to bail you out, you may be in luck!
“I’m gonna have your job” But I thought you didn’t like cops? (sidenote: this joke generally goes over their heads)
“You should have been a firefighter” A recliner, big screen TV and fresh food sound good right about now. Maybe you’re right!
“Anyone else smell bacon?” Did you say bacon!? Where!?
“I get it, you’re just trying to meet a quota” Yes, you were going 57 in a 35 because I have a quota…makes perfect sense sir.
“You’re not gonna take fingerprints off of that rock?” Nope. Normally I would but our machine that I can put the fingerprint in and get the result in 3 seconds before commercial break is broken.
“I’m not driving, I’m traveling” Ok fair enough: I’m not gonna drive you to jail, I’m going to travel with you there.
“I swear to drunk I’m not God” Great…I think I need a drink.
Duck Duck Gray Duck 
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