Alternative phrases to “calm your tits”

calm your tits

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Unsure of how to confess your love to someone?

lime guy

Try this:

  1. Gather several dozen limes.
  2. Go up to them and then drop all the limes.
  3. Start picking them up, but keep dropping them. The clumsier you look the better.
  4. Keep doing this until you have their attention (this could take up to thirty minutes in my experience).
  5. Finally, finish gathering up the limes. Try looking a bit sheepish.
  6. Look them deeply in the eyes and say, “Sorry. I’m bad at Pickup Limes.”
  7. Marry them.

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If that doesn’t work, try this or this.

Easter Earrings

Grandma wore her “festive bunny earrings” to church on Easter Sunday. She had no clue. 

Festive Bunny Earrings

 

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Video

First person view of Blue Angels flying in formation

Navy Lt. Cmdr. Declan Hartney shares some footage filmed from the cockpit of an airplane flying in a diamond formation of US Navy’s Blue Angels flight demonstration squadron. Wait a minute! Who was flying? Damn, our military is good. 

 

How To Know If You Have ADHD

I’m no doctor, but if you can relate to this video, you’re probably just as messed up in the head as this guy.

Cat Torture

This is evil.

evil cat

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Fossilized giant

Fossilized giantFossilized giant
The fossilized Irish giant from 1895 is over 12 feet tall. The giant was discovered during a mining operation in Antrim, Ireland. This picture is courtesy “the British Strand magazine of December 1895″ Height, 12 foot 2 inches; girth of chest, 6 foot 6 inches; length of arms 4 foot 6 inches. There are six toes on the right foot. The six fingers and toes remind some people of Bible passage 2 Samuel 21:20 ”And there was yet a battle in Gath, where was a man of great stature, that had on every hand six fingers, and on every foot six toes, four and twenty in number; and he also was born to the giant” 

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50 Amazing Facts (For People Who Enjoy Amazing Facts)

Cliff Clavin 101. via Mental Floss

Dr. Ruth was trained as a sniper by the Israel Defense Forces.

Dr. Ruth was trained as a sniper by the Israel Defense Forces.

1. In 1943, Philip Morris ran an ad acknowledging “smokers’ cough.” They claimed it was caused by smoking brands other than Philip Morris.

2. In the 1970s, Mattel sold a doll called “Growing Up Skipper.” Her breasts grew when her arm was turned.

3. Michael Jackson’s 1988 autobiography Moonwalk was edited by Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis.

4. Kit Kat flavors available in Japan include wine, sweet potato, wasabi, and soy sauce.

5. Only female mosquitoes will bite you.

6. At the 2010 Grammy Awards, Taylor Swift won more Grammys (4) than Elvis did his entire career (3).

7. At Fatburger, you can order a “Hypocrite”—a veggie burger topped with crispy strips of bacon.

8. Dr. Ruth was trained as a sniper by the Israeli military.

9. In 1999, Furbies were banned from the National Security Agency’s Maryland headquarters because it was feared the toys might repeat national security secrets.

10. Before a 1993 playoff game, an Illinois high school football coach faked being shot in a bizarre attempt to motivate his team.

11. Susan B. Anthony was fined $100 for voting in the 1872 election. She voted for Ulysses S. Grant. She never paid the fine.

12. Kool-Aid was originally marketed as “Fruit Smack.”

13. In 2008, The Little Tikes Company sold 457,000 Cozy Coupes, making it the best-selling car in America.

14. Matthew McConaughey, Cheryl Hines and Daniel Dae Kim all appeared in reenactments on episodes of Unsolved Mysteries.

15. The archerfish knocks its insect prey out of over-hanging branches with a stream of spit.

16. When Woodrow Wilson married Edith Galt, the real Chef Boyardee (Hector Boiardi) catered the event.

17. There really was a Captain Morgan. He was a Welsh pirate who later became the lieutenant governor of Jamaica.

18. The 3 Musketeers bar was originally split into three pieces with three different flavors: vanilla, chocolate and strawberry. When the other flavors became harder to come by during WWII, Mars decided to go all chocolate.

19. Bear Bryant was once asked to contribute $10 to help pay for a sportswriter’s funeral. According to legend, he said, “Here’s a twenty, bury two.”

20. In 1980, C-3PO and R2-D2 visited Sesame Street. They played games, sang songs, and R2-D2 fell in love with a fire hydrant.

21. Dr. Thomas Harvey removed Einstein’s brain during his autopsy. For 30 years, Harvey kept it in two mason jars in his Wichita home.

22. In 1961, Martha Stewart was selected as one of Glamour magazine’s “Ten Best-Dressed College Girls.”

23. An Oscar Statuette (8.5 pounds) weighs more than a Vince Lombardi Trophy (about 7 pounds).

24. As part of David Hasselhoff’s divorce settlement, he kept possession of the nickname “Hoff” and the catchphrase “Don’t Hassle the Hoff.”

25. “Jay” used to be slang for “foolish person.” So when a pedestrian ignored street signs, he was referred to as a “jaywalker.”

26. On the 2001 New Zealand census, 53,715 people listed their religion as “Jedi.”

27. The string on boxes of animal crackers was originally placed there so the container could be hung from a Christmas tree.

28. When Milton Bradley introduced Twister in 1966, critics denounced the game as “sex in a box.”

29. Green bean casserole dates back to 1955, when a chef named Dorcas Reilly created it for a cookbook designed to promote Campbell’s products.

30. Carly Simon’s dad is the “Simon” of Simon and Schuster. He co-founded the company.

31. M&M’s actually stands for “Mars & Murrie’s,” the candy’s founders—Forrest Mars Sr. & William F. R. Murrie.

32. Alaska is the only state that can be typed on one row of keys. (Go ahead and try typing the other 49 states. We’ll wait.)

33. While they were in the White House, John & Abigail Adams had dogs named Satan & Juno.

34. Johnny Cash’s “A Boy Named Sue” was penned by Shel Silverstein, the beloved children’s book author who wrote Where the Sidewalk Ends.

35. There’s no better school nickname than the Arkansas School for the Deaf Leopards.

36. Why did the FBI call Ted Kaczynski “The Unabomber”? Because his early mail bombs were sent to universities (UN) & airlines (A).

37. That thing you use to dot your lowercase “i” is called a tittle.

38. There was a long-lost fourth member of the Snap/Crackle/Pop gang. “Pow” represented Rice Krispies’ explosive nutritional value.

39. In the 1930s, Admiral Byrd brought 2½ tons of NECCO Wafers to the South Pole for his men during their two-year stay.

40. The only number whose letters are in alphabetical order is 40 (f-o-r-t-y).

41. The prolific Alan Thicke wrote the theme songs to The Facts of Life and Diff’rent Strokes.

42. According to Crayola, the average kid wears out about 730 crayons by his or her 10th birthday.

43. Male students at Brigham Young University need a doctor’s note to grow a beard.

44. In 1991, Wayne Allwine, the voice of Mickey Mouse, married Russi Taylor—the voice of Minnie.

45. The sum of all the numbers on a roulette wheel is 666.

46. The Vatican Bank is the world’s only bank that allows ATM users to perform transactions in Latin.

47. Utah’s State Bird is the California Seagull.

48. After leaving office, Ronald Reagan was offered a role in Back to the Future III. (He declined.)

49. The Comic Book Guy on The Simpsons has a name—it’s Jeff Albertson. But that wasn’t the decision of creator Matt Groening. “I was out of the room when [the writers] named him,” he told MTV in 2007. “In my mind, ‘Louis Lane’ was his name, and he was obsessed and tormented by Lois Lane.”

50. The Procrastinators’ Club of America newsletter is called “Last Month’s Newsletter.”

Fast drivers unknowingly invited to their own funeral

To call attention to the dangers of speeding, ad agency 20something had people invite their fast-driving friends or relatives to their own funeral. The speeders, were unaware that they were stepping into their own funeral. Tearful friends and relatives lament losing their loved ones lost too soon, while the offender looks on in despair. 

Agency: 20something

Client: IBSR / BIVV

Poor Dolphin

poor dolphin

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