If your band’s best gig in the past year was at 11:45 p.m. on a Wednesday at O’Gara’s Garage and you really think that your cover of “Jessie’s Girl” sounds “just like the original,” then you already know you are a no-talent ass-clown and should just unplug everything.
Being in a band is tough. Marketing a band is even harder (at least it was before YouTube and MySpace). But most bands don’t consider the ramifications of their name. A bad name can sink a band. Would you ask your friends to go see The Asbestos Tampons? Do you want your girlfriend to say she’s dating the lead singer of SuperHeavyGoatAss?
Here are some basic rules for creating a band name:
1.) Don’t put the word “Funk” anywhere in the name. You aren’t “funky” despite what that 44-year-old drunk cougar dancing in front of your monitor says.
2.) Don’t use your real name unless you are freakishly good (i.e. Hendrix, Dylan, etc.). We already know you have lead singer disease; we don’t need to know what it’s called. It’s probably not a cool name anyway (ahem… Tim Mahoney). Try modesty. People like that.
3.) Don’t put a number in your band name because you think 3 Doors Down rocks. It worked for 311, Matchbox 20, 3rd Eye Blind, etc. but they are the exception. Numbers are retarded. Don’t do it.
4.) Don’t try to be clever and do a play on words. Examples of this unoriginal douschebaggery include, Statutory Grape, Chevy Metal, and Clusterfunk (they get a double word score on ass Scrabble). The only exception here was a band back in the day called REO Speedealer. They were cool, but I don’t think they cared about getting “big.”
So you get the idea. A list of the newest worst real band names was published recently by the Onion A.V. Club. Check it out.
Share with us some bad Minnesota band names. Got a rule for naming a band? Let’s hear that too.
Duck Duck Gray Duck 
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