…when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option. I will win.
…when the car isn’t running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I’m looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say, “I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers, I wouldn’t know where to start.” We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of unholy commun-ion.
…when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You’re a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.
…I can only be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store like milk or bread. I cannot find exotic items like “cumin” or “tofu.” For all I know, these are the same thing.
…when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this just makes it cost twice as much when the repairman has to put it back together.
…I must hold the television remote control in my hand while watching TV. If it has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it.
…there is no need to ask me what I’m thinking about. The true answer is always sex, cars, or sports. If you ask, I could make up something else, so don’t ask.
…I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother visit us, or talk to your mother when she calls, or think about your mother. Whatever you want to get her as a present is okay. I don’t need to see it. Oh, and pick up some-thing for my mom, too.
… don’t ask me if I liked the movie. If you’re crying at the end of it, I didn’t. But if you feel amorous afterwards, then I will remember its name and recommend it to others.
…I think what you’re wearing is fine just like what you wore five minutes ago was also fine. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt is fine. Without it is fine, too. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we please just go?
…and since this is the 21st Century, I will share the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I’ll do the rest… like wandering around the garden while holding a beer and wondering what to do.